Summary of "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk"
"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids
Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is a highly influential and
practical guide for parents (and anyone interacting with children) on how to
improve communication and foster healthier relationships. The book's core
philosophy is built on the belief that respectful and empathetic communication can
transform family dynamics, reduce conflict, and empower children to become more
responsible, self-reliant, and emotionally intelligent individuals.
The authors use a clear, engaging style, often incorporating
real-life dialogues, cartoons, and practical exercises, making the concepts
easy to understand and apply. They emphasize that traditional methods of
parenting, often involving yelling, threats, or dismissive language, are
ineffective in the long run and can damage a child's self-esteem and
willingness to cooperate. Instead, they advocate for specific communication
skills that help parents connect with their children's inner world and guide
them constructively.
Core
Principles and Key Communication Skills
The book is structured around several key communication
skills, each presented with examples and practical advice:
1.
Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings
- Problem: Parents
often dismiss, deny, or try to "fix" children's negative
feelings, which can make children feel misunderstood or that their
emotions are unacceptable.
- Solution:
- Listen with Full Attention:
Give your child your undivided attention when they are expressing
feelings.
- Acknowledge Feelings with
Words: Use phrases that reflect what you hear them saying or
feeling (e.g., "That sounds frustrating," "You seem really
angry").
- Give Feelings a Name:
Help them label their emotions (e.g., "You're feeling
disappointed").
- Grant Wishes in Fantasy:
If they can't have something, acknowledge their desire and fulfill it in
fantasy (e.g., "I wish I could buy you all the candy in the
world!").
- Accept Feelings, Don't
Judge: Let them know it's okay to feel what they feel, even if
you don't agree with their actions.
2.
Engaging Cooperation
- Problem: Parents
often resort to nagging, threatening, or demanding, which leads to
resistance and resentment.
- Solution:
- Describe What You See or
Describe the Problem: Instead of blaming, state the facts
(e.g., "I see your shoes are still in the middle of the floor"
instead of "You never put your shoes away!").
- Give Information:
Provide context and reasons (e.g., "The milk will spoil if it's left
out").
- Say It with a Word:
Use single words or short phrases as reminders (e.g., "Shoes!"
instead of a lecture).
- Describe What You Feel:
Express your feelings without attacking (e.g., "I'm frustrated when
the floor is messy").
- Write a Note: For
older children, a written reminder can be effective.
- Offer a Choice:
Give them limited, acceptable choices (e.g., "Do you want to wear
your red shirt or your blue shirt?").
- Put It in Play:
Use humor, games, or fantasy to make tasks fun.
3.
Alternatives to Punishment
- Problem:
Punishment often teaches fear, resentment, and how to avoid getting
caught, rather than fostering responsibility or self-control.
- Solution: Focus on
problem-solving and consequences that teach.
- Express Strong Disapproval
(without attacking character): "I don't like hitting. It
hurts."
- State Your Expectations:
"I expect you to keep your hands to yourself."
- State the Action to Be
Taken: "You need to apologize."
- Give Choices for Making
Amends: "What do you think you can do to make this
right?"
- Take Action: If
necessary, remove the child from the situation or remove the object of
conflict.
- Problem-Solve:
Work with the child to find solutions to recurring problems.
4.
Encouraging Autonomy
- Problem:
Over-parenting, doing too much for children, or making all their decisions
can stifle their independence and problem-solving skills.
- Solution: Empower
children to think for themselves and take responsibility.
- Let Children Make Choices:
Allow them to make age-appropriate decisions.
- Show Respect for Their
Struggle: Don't jump in immediately to solve problems for
them. "This looks like a tough puzzle."
- Don't Ask Too Many
Questions: Let them come to you when they're ready to talk.
- Don't Rush to Answer
Questions: Encourage them to think for themselves. "What
do you think?"
- Encourage Use of Outside
Resources: Suggest they look things up or ask others for help.
- Don't Take Away Hope:
Support their dreams and aspirations.
5.
Praise and Self-Esteem
- Problem: Generic
praise ("Good job!") can be ineffective or even
counterproductive, as children may become dependent on external
validation.
- Solution: Focus on
descriptive praise that highlights effort and specific actions.
- Describe What You See:
"I see you spent a lot of time on that drawing. All those
colors!"
- Describe the Effect:
"Your room is so tidy now, it makes me feel calm."
- Describe the Effort:
"You kept trying even when it was hard. That's persistence!"
- Avoid Evaluative Praise:
Instead of "You're so smart," say "You figured out a
really clever way to do that."
6.
Freeing Children from Playing Roles
- Problem: Children
can get stuck in negative roles (e.g., "the messy one,"
"the shy one," "the troublemaker") based on how they
are labeled or perceived.
- Solution: Help
children see themselves differently and break free from limiting labels.
- Look for Opportunities to
Show the Child a New Picture of Themselves: Highlight positive
behaviors they might not even notice. "You were so helpful just
now."
- Put Children in Situations
Where They Can See Themselves Differently: Give them
responsibilities or opportunities to succeed in new ways.
- Model the Behavior You Want
to See: Be the example.
- Remind the Child of Past
Accomplishments: "Remember how you solved that problem
last time?"
- State Your Expectations for
the Future: "I know you can handle this."
Overall
Message
"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids
Will Talk" teaches parents to shift from a controlling, authoritarian
approach to one of respect,
empathy, and collaboration. By mastering these communication skills,
parents can build stronger, more loving relationships with their children,
empower them to solve their own problems, and help them develop into confident,
capable, and resilient individuals. The book emphasizes that while these skills
require practice, the rewards—a more harmonious home and more capable
children—are immeasurable.